When I was at Mass on Sunday night, I started craving Whataburger during the homily.

I go to Mass every Sunday at 6 p.m., and just about every time, I go on an empty stomach after a late breakfast and no lunch.

Whataburger is rarely my meal after Mass. Health reasons, you know. High cholesterol and high blood pressure. I wish I never saw doctors. They make me sick.

I figured Whataburger would make me feel good and satisfied.

So when Mass ended around 7:15, I headed up the highway to the closest Whataburger.

When I got there, I had a bad feeling. For a Sunday night, too many people were there. Too many people at any restaurant means slow service and terrible food.

Instead of going in, I ran an errand and then came back to Whataburger.

Not as many people as before and only one customer ahead of me.

When it was my turn, I ordered my go-to: A double cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

After they brought out my order, I took a small bite of my double. It was cold. I went back to the counter and asked for a fresh one.

A couple in their 70s sat across from me and the woman said, “Yours was cold, too?”

I joked with her that maybe I shouldn’t have a double cheeseburger. The woman laughed as she and her husband ate their cold food.

My second double was also cold. I took it back for a new one and joked with the couple that I should have gone to Newk’s for a healthy sandwich because a double cheeseburger would blow up my blood work scheduled for Tuesday.

They laughed.

My third double was not a double. It was a single.

I had enough. I got my money back.

Before leaving, I told the couple, “If my wife had cooked dinner, this would have never happened.”

They laughed and I laughed off the whole experience.

Whataburger? Nope. More like Whatnotaburger.

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John E. Bialas
John, 67, is retired from the Pulitzer Prize-winning Sun Herald newspaper in Gulfport, Miss., after a 45-year career there in which he was a sportswriter, weekend sports editor, book reviewer, rock music critic, copy editor, blogger, Facebook administrator and award-winning headline writer and page designer. He lives in Gulfport with his wife, Patricia, and writes the blog Pictures of Tilly which you can find at http://picturesoftilly.net/.