The Island of NFL Off-season…

It is February. I am stranded in this nightmarish land of hardwood floors and fields shaped like diamonds. Not stranded away from civilization, just football. I vaguely recognize my surroundings; I’ve been here before, certainly. Football has only just gone away, but the burn, which is already beginning to intensify, only temporarily subsides. Some of the people are happy. I’ve heard stories of a man so happy he ate horse feces off the street. Some of the people are even sadder than I. Rumor has it that people in Boston are currently shutting the fuck up for a bit. That type of thing is unheard of off the island. 

It is March. I have been stranded on this island for 23 days now. My spirit is low, I have no energy, and I can’t be sure of precisely what constitutes a catch. I’ve speared a narwhal, it’s blubber and guts will sustain me. I will make shoes of it’s intestines.

It is April. I believe the sun will burn out and all the plants, algae, and cyanobacteria will die from lack of photosynthesis before I see genuinely meaningful football again.

It is May. There are new people on the teams but no football is being played. The Browns drafted the Oklahoma guy, gonna assume he sucks. Packers drafted cornerbacks again, gonna assume they suck. Steelers drafted a receiver in the 2nd round, gonna assume he’s great. Patriots drafted a 5’9 white receiver, gonna assume he’s a future Super Bowl MVP. We may never know. We may never get off the island. 

It is June. There is nothing but JR Smith memes. It has been 115 days. The narwhal blubber has spoiled, the intestine shoes are hardening in the mouth of a rotting stork, Lev Bell still thinks he doesn’t get paid enough. 

It is July. I believe cosmic grifters will have stuck up a family of Alpha Centauri natives after fashioning my bones into shivs by the time I see genuinely meaningful football again. 

It is August. People seem to think salvation is near. Talk of rescue is disseminating. An old friend contacted me about a fantasy football draft. Hope can be tasted if one only sets his tongue to the wind.

It is September. Holy shit you guys.

Week 1 picks(Betting Lines provided by Bovada, Home teams are in ALL CAPS):

Falcons(-1) over EAGLES

RAVENS(-7.5) over Bills*

Texans(+6.5) over PATRIOTS*

49ers(+6.5) over VIKINGS

Bengals(+3) over COLTS*

Jaguars(-3) over GIANTS

BROWNS(+4) over Steelers

SAINTS(-9.5) over Bucs

Titans(-1.5) over DOLPHINS

Chiefs(+3) over CHARGERS

BRONCOS(-3) over Seahawks

PANTHERS(-3) over Cowboys

CARDINALS(-1) over Redskins

PACKERS(-7,5) over Bears*

Jets(+7) over LIONS

Rams(-4.5) over RAIDERS*

* denotes games that should be considered for 2-5 team teasers.