We Should Have Known

Week 1 has passed and most of these dudes are who we thought they were. Jon Gruden lost by 20 vs modernity and progressive thought, Aaron Rodgers Temple of Doomed the hearts of Chicago natives while lobbying celestial rainbows into the arms of a grown man deadass named Geronimo, and the Falcons had a mild seizure every time they approached the red zone. We knew all of these things would happen, yet we still hovered around .500 in our ATS picks. 

Now as week two approaches and we wait for the Mighty Bengals of Cincinnati to take on the third leading cause for depression in Northeast Ohio, we need keep a few things in mind for the remainder of the season.

1: Regression is real. Turns out if the Saints defense is trash for a decade, then top 10 for one season, there is SOME CHANCE that they fall back into the middle of the pack.

2: If the guy throwing the ball to them has normal brain activity, a functional cardiovascular system, and at least 3 of his 4 limbs fully operational, Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders are going to roast faces.

3: Aaron Rodgers is Thor. I understand why we play the games each week but when this dude shows up, everything up to that point seems like a pointless waste of plot, and can someone bring him Thanos now, please?

4: The easiest money to make on this planet is betting against Nate Peterman. Who knows if we’ll ever get the opportunity again, but if we do, the sun will shine bright that day.

Week 2 ATS picks (all lines provided by Bovada):

Ravens(-1) over BENGALS
Colts(+6) over REDSKINS
STEELERS(-4.5) over Chiefs
SAINTS(-9) over Browns*
Eagles(-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
Panthers(+6) over FALCONS
JETS(-3) over Dolphins*
Texans(-2) over TITANS*
Chargers(-7.5) over BILLS
49ERS(-6) over Lions*
RAMS(-13) over Cardinals*
JAGS(+1) over Patriots
BRONCOS(-6) over Raiders*
Giants(+3) over Cowboys
BEARS(-3.5) over Seahawks
*Denotes teams to throw into teasers. 
**No line is available for Minnesota@GB but if Rodgers plays, bet GB, if he doesn’t bet Minnesota.
Through Week 1: 7-8-1