My brother, Mike, who is a PopMatters music writer living in Colorado, posted on Facebook last week that guitar hero Eric Clapton will release a Christmas album on Oct. 12.

Mike’s post included a link to a Rolling Stone story about “Happy Xmas,” where Clapton covers 13 holiday songs and performs a new tune that he wrote.

Rather than take the album seriously, I’m going to make fun of it, even before listening to it, if I ever listen to it.

With the considerable help of Mike and our cousin, Dave Wilder of Biscayne Park, Fla., I’ve come up with a satiric and imaginary track list that parodies “Happy Xmas.”

“A Blue(s) Christmas,” based on the Elvis Presley song “Blue Christmas.”

“A White (Room) Christmas,” based on the Cream song “White Room.”

“Sunshine of Your Doves,” based on the Cream song “Sunshine of Your Love” and the holiday classic “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which includes the lyrics “On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.”

“Presents! O Lord!,” based on the Blind Faith song “Presence of the Lord.”

“Had to Fly Today,” based on the Blind Faith song “Had to Cry Today.”

“Lay Down Mrs. Santa,” based on the Clapton song “Lay Down Sally.”

“Slayla,” based on the Derek and the Dominos song “Layla.”

I hope you like the imaginary titles. Only the last one needs explaining.

It’s about Santa expressing his deep passion for the reindeer he covets. Her name is Slayla and she is on some other guy’s sleigh.

This whole attempt at mockery means Clapton is no longer God. Clapton is Claus.

Ho, ho, ho.

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John E. Bialas
John, 67, is retired from the Pulitzer Prize-winning Sun Herald newspaper in Gulfport, Miss., after a 45-year career there in which he was a sportswriter, weekend sports editor, book reviewer, rock music critic, copy editor, blogger, Facebook administrator and award-winning headline writer and page designer. He lives in Gulfport with his wife, Patricia, and writes the blog Pictures of Tilly which you can find at